Never again
by Darkeyes17
Summary: G1 Complete: Megatron's POV - introspection. "Now I know why he hasn't recharged with me. So I don't see him cry. I've made my decision...never again." Mentions of MegatronxStarscream.


**A/N: This little plot bunny has been hopping around for a little while, and since I was procrastinating anyway, I thought, might as well. This is G1, just to confirm. I can't remember where I saw the reference to Dark Energon, but I'm using it for my own amusement. Oh, and this is all from Megatron's POV. You all know my disclaimers and the blah blah blah.**

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><p><strong>Never Again<strong>

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><p>The haze around me has cleared recently.<p>

Or should I say, the induced haze that I have brought on myself, that has tainted and poisoned my processor. And all my own doing. Ignoring what those who cared about me said about my activities. And I hurt them.

Never again.

I'm in my berthroom, my lovely lavish quarters. I'm sitting on my berth, staring out the glass window that takes up half a wall, the ghostly blue light of the moon piercing the depths of the ocean to somehow find its way here to dimly light my face. I look haggard and tired. Me. The Mighty Lord Megatron! Tired. My faults. My doings. I am ashamed to call myself the leader of the Decepticons after what I have done.

I have been a fool.

And why?

Dark energon. My recent drug of choice.

I had never intended to become addicted. After all, no one wakes up in the morning and goes "you know what? I think I'll become a drug addict today." It just…happens. With disastrous consequences. Sure. It feels incredible at the time, like a post battle win high, but magnified to the tenth degree. But it is not worth the consequences.

I got addicted three Earth months ago. I had gone back to Cybertron to see Shockwave, when one of my soldiers/informants delivered the sample to me, saying it would being me extra strength in battles so I could finally defeat my arch rival, Optimus Prime.

And it did. I was near invincible, and we had won at least 75% of our battles over those three months. And with each victory, the more I consumed the Dark Energon, only caring about the high. Not about anyone else but me.

However…it made me no more than a metal beast at times. I couldn't recharge most days, only getting roughly 12 hours of sleep a week, if not less. My sex drive would fluctuate. I would get aroused, and when I'd go off to find Starscream, it would diminish before I could find my beautiful Seeker. My eating habits were horrible. I only consumed the Dark energon on some days with nothing else. And I become more ruthless and cruel, my punishments for any infractiong have become more inventive and harsh. The fear of my among my soldiers is at an all time high.

I actually hit Soundwave. Soundwave, my most steadfast TIC, who I had never hit before. I remember clearly that I knocked him around the head, sending him crashing into the communications room floor all because he suggested that we stop receiving shipments from Cybertron for Dark Energon.

And Starscream. I...I hurt Starscream.

We have had a truce for roughly a year now. We have been lovers for half that time. Three perfect months before I turned to the liquefied poison.

And I hurt him. It almost makes me want to purge. I didn't force him to make love to me. No, I still had that much of my sane processor that I knew that I secretly loved the tricoloured jet to no end - that I wouldn't do that to him at all. But I yelled at him, belittled him in front of the crew and slapped him a few times while under the influence. In the rare times that I was not under the influence, I would promise him late at night, when we were in the comfort of each other's arms, that I would stop.

But I didn't.

Now I have to stop.

My turning point? When I woke up in the middle of tonight (before this moment of introspection) to find Starscream crying in his recharge next to me. I know now why he hasn't recharged with me lately (besides the fact I have been a drug user lately). He didn't want me to see him cry. That one moment, where I watched as round coolant tears trickled slowly down his gorgeous charcoal faceplates, making artistic patterns with the tear tracks, I made my decision.

Never again.

I'm stopping my addiction cold. No more. It will be hard, I will most likely have one hell of a withdrawal phase. But I need to do it. For two reasons: to become the best leader I possibly can be, and…

…to be the best lover I can be.

More than anything, I never want to see Starscream cry in sadness and anguish because of me. If he is crying because of me, from now on, those will only be happy tears. If he sobs because of me – if I break my promise – then I will give him my spark on a platter if that is what he wishes.

Because I have realised something.

It doesn't matter if I'm the tough, feared, cannon toting leader of the mighty Decepticons. I can still feel. I can love – unbelievable as it may seem. And that if you can find happiness, hold onto it, and never let go. Even I deserve happiness. I deserve my little slice of peace. And those three perfect months that I was not under a drug induced haze, whenever I was with Starscream, everything seemed to click into place. Regardless of our tumultuous past, those three months felt simply _right._

Because Starscream is my happiness.

I have come to see the brilliant processor behind that razor sharp glossa, the mech inside that all he wants to do is explore without being hindered, he wants to be free to invent, to be curious, to satisfy that wonderful curiosity. I have come to see the silent care, as much as he tries to hide it. I see the beauty in his movements, the grace in his walk, the smoothness in his flight.

I sound like a sap. Love does that to some.

But it's worth it.

Reaching over now, I gently caress my hand down his face. He nuzzles into it, even in sleep. I smile. Before this relationship, not even I knew I could be so gentle. Starscream makes me strong. And I make him strong by constantly challenging him. My decision is final. I bend down now, ghosting my breath over his lips before giving them a soft kiss.

"Never again," I promise.

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><p><strong>AN: I wanted to see a softer side to Megatron. He's a very layered character. So here is a layer I thought I should expose. How'd I do at angst? PLEASE REVIEW!**


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